I DESPERATELY NEED Marriage Advice for two young people...please respect my honesty...?

Here is my outpouring. Please don't just answer with ';get a divorce,'; or ';get counseling'; because I need more than that. I met my husband in June 2008. He worked in the mall in the store across from mine. We were both 23. I was instantly (as was he) sexually attracted and exchanged numbers. The next day, we hung out and watched a movie and made out and he pressured me for sex but I said no. He smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol but knew I was straight-edge. We talked off and on, I flaked on him a few times and we ended up not talking again until maybe late late June 2008. He ended up getting arrested July 11 2008 and I was the first person he called. I instantly felt my heart break--there was something in him I needed and I truly cared about him. He was in jail for almost 3 months and we wrote eachother EVERY DAY. I visited him 2 days a week and would just sit outside the jail window when he didn't have visits because I knew he could see me. He got out September 24th, and we (through the course of our letters and phone calls) became INSEPERABLE. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. We were married September 27th. When he got out, he said he wanted to change his life. No more smoking, drinking, he was continuing to stay off meth (he'd been clean for 9 months at the time) and now...we're 7 months married, I'm 7 months pregnant, he's smoking now, drinking alcohol, disappearing EVERY weekend and will NOT tell me where he is. He has relapsed with meth one time. I am not a saint in this. Because of my distrust, I look up his phone records, I go through his phone, even text strange numbers that he's called late at night asking who it is. He lies about what friends' house he's going to be at, he tells me he'll (for example) be home at 11pm on friday night and doesn't come home until SUNDAY MORNING. I do not think he is cheating--he has my name tattooed on his neck and his wedding ring line is tanned on his hand. He swears he lives in the movie 8 Mile. He wants to be a rapper (he's white...) so he (after he decided to FINALLY be honest about where he goes every weekend) goes and raps with his homeboys. He says he lies because he knows I'll hate his friends but I tell him--I didn't marry a rapper. I married a guy who was just as clingy as me. Not an alcohol drinking, smoking, lying, idiot that would leave me alone every weekend while I'm at home, 7 months pregnant. We have sex every couple of days and when I confronted him with my need to have sex daily (at the onset of marriage, we had sex three or four times a day) he says he's ';cool.'; The truth came out when we argued in the car two nights ago: he told me to get in the backseat of his car and he was taking me to get some food at Sonic while he freestyled and drove with a 32 oz. Miller Highlife in his lap. I begged him not to drive drinking with me (and our unborn son) in the car plus he's on probation so...but when we left Sonic and were sitting in a parking lot, I told him I wanted to sit in the passenger seat up front. So I got out and he started in on me because he thinks he doesn't satisfy me sexually (which I NEVER said..just that we don't do it enough.) and I said no, we don't have sex at all. So he drove off and I was in this parking lot barefoot at 11pm. I didn't know what to do--he sped over to me really quick and screamed out the window he was going to bring back ';4 or 5 black guys to f**k (me) good'; and then drove to the gas station nearby and stopped a guy presumably asking if he wanted to have sex with me. I started to walk to the grocery store to use the phone to call his sister and he came back and asked the grocery cart kid if he wanted to **** his wife's ';loose sl*tty p*ssy.'; Eventually, he told me to get back in the car and we came home and laid in bed. I got so mad I started talking so filthy to him and crying asking him how he could call his wife and the mother of his child a slut and comment on my body like he did and he said it was true. LONG STORY SHORT: my husband and I have physically fought once before, we are constantly emotionally abusing each other, but at the same time, he'll come home with my name tattooed on his neck and I feel sick thinking of him not in my or our son's life. How can I stop being so controlling and is my controlling behavior leading him to act like this? What can we do...? We aren't trailer trash hicks but I swear I feel like it sometimes.I DESPERATELY NEED Marriage Advice for two young people...please respect my honesty...?
oh boy, honey, it isn't about you and him any more. it is all, 100% abou that baby you are carrying. Do you want him to witness drug use, drinking and abuse from the man he idolizes? Do you want your son to wonder why daddy doesn't come home to tuck him in to bed?





of course not. and here's the thing... you no longer have the luxury to hope, pray and wish that he changes. it is time to face reality and see your husband for what he is BASED ON HIS ACTIONS, NOT HIS POTENTIAL. And a tattoo of your name on his neck is NOTHING compared to asking total strangers to partake in your body, the body which is gestating his child. What if one of them had said yes?





the life you are living is dangerous. it is time to grow up. you must leave him AND seek counseling to see why you think that your ';controlling'; behavior is a problem. You're not asking for too much. the problem is the life he is leading and your allowing yourself and your child to be dragged down with him.





about the love between you--- yeah, so say he is your soul mate. it is possible to feel that way, really recognize someone as a part of your soul as part of something divine, and leave them because they are destroying you and your child. who you are to eachother just doesn't matter any more. The ONLY one who matters is that baby. Please do the right thing by him and leave this man.I DESPERATELY NEED Marriage Advice for two young people...please respect my honesty...?
You deserve what you are getting if you don't want a divorce or counseling what are you hoping for? Obviously you both have some serious issues that need to be worked out or just live with it.
wow... that's a lot. i didn't really read all that so i only have this one thing to tell you... if he hits you once, that's one time too many. RUN!
are you trying to write a sequel to 'paul blart, mall cop' about mall trash? cause it sounds like it to me.





dont worry about your self esteem or marriage or mall job making orange julius drinks, when the baby comes in a couple weeks you will be so busy and desperate you wont be able to speak in a complete sentence.


and you will be out of money quickly and out of luck. that is what you get for not using birth control or any common sense. next cheating and dire poverty? lots of fun!! you wont have any money for mrs fields cookies then.





this is why hot dog on a stick will never run out of employees.








you arent straight edge if you expose an innocent child to a dangerous person. you are an abusive mother.





i dont care what you do, but if you do care you need to go to your parents and ask them what to do. if you dont want to stay married you could look into open adoption. if you dont want to raise an innocent baby alone in mall poverty you need to use sense and birth control and not hang out with disgusting criminals. could you really be this desperately ignorant? if you are, talk to your parents or a church person and ask them what you should do.





your question is offensive and not something a 'straight arrow' person would write.
i am sorry to hear your sad story. i wish i could really help. But your man needs to get off the drugs... if he is on probation maybe call his probation officer and find out what you can do to help him.





But i would make him leave i know you love him but no amount of counselling is going to change anything in less he quits drinking smoking and d oing drugs.





i will pray that your situation will begin to change for the better. if you can't afford the rent why not try going back home to your parents or something.
It's so thoughtful of you to bring an innocent child into the hellhole that you're existing in, because it's ';just hard'; to actually get a real life with a healthy relationship instead of one that's filled with lying, drugs, manipulation, and mistrust.





You're gonna be one hell of a mother. Then again, you already are a mother...





Do your baby a favor and consider giving it up for adoption to a family that is actually capable of caring about something OTHER than themselves... because you and your sperm donor have too much growing up to do before you can be responsible for a completely helpless life.
thanx for answering my question. thats really helpful. u got me curious about ur story. u guys sound a little like us at the beginning. but i think u are handling it well. i think that once he sees his son things will change. hopefully he sill snap out of it and realize he needs to do good for you guys. you should keep being strong for your baby. single moms arent that undesirable now days. there are lots of single parents. but i know what u mean cause it best for the child to have both parents. good luck to ya and thanks again
sweety im sorry.... nobody deserves that...


what i think you should do is while hes gone just pack your stuff up and just leave for like a week or so to get your thoughts clear and leave him a note saying your ok but you need time to think...


you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation with him... he doesnt seem like hes prepared or ready to have a child. you need to tell him to get his act straight


try and scare him a little bit not like mental abuse but make him see reality


i know this may sound stupid but im only 15 sorry if this isnt the best advice in the world but i fear for you and your child... its not just about you anymore you have to remember. . . . do you want your child to grow up in that kind of environment?
we must not hurt the ones we love. right? the way he is acting, do you think he loves you? please, save your lives of your son,its not too late to start things all over again. but with your son only. every people had a choice. they said that its a destiny. but your destiny can be changed if you want to.
You met in june then got married in sept? You need to know someone for 1 year or more before you really know them well enough to get married.


Many men will be with a single mom, especially if they too have a child. You do need to get divorce. Maybe you dont want to hear it but you need to.





And dont marry a man until you know him for 1 year next time, at least 1 year!
My daughter is straight edge. The closest she ever came to dating a guy who was not her type he only drank a little and smoked weed once in a while.She insisted he stop smoking weed and he did,for a while.They were together for five years. He was an idiot and made her cry,but she was use to him,and didn't want to see other guys.And she continued crying about this guy. Thank God she never got pregnant! I sat with her one night listening to her crying about this guy and I asked her. What is your dream,what do you want,where do you want to live,what kind of dad do you want for your kids? They broke up over a year ago. She told him what she wanted,and he decided she was not worth giving up the things that were bad for them both.Now she is on her own,in her own place dating lots of men.(One is a millionaire). She is never home,and doesn't want to get in a serious relationship. She figures she will find a guy when she is ready to put down roots. So I guess you need to get brutally honest with yourself and ask what it is that you want,and is your man able to be a part of that picture. You have to start making choices that are smart for you and your baby now.
wow i love the fact that he makes you feel like a princess and that you have that beautiful house and cars and he has this amazing job and earns lots of money and spend long weekends together out on the beach making love and painting and doing your sons room up wow thats sounds like heaven


i bet you life would sound that nice


addopt the baby out


leave his sorry **** and find a real man thats there for his woman


sorry but you know when you were a teenager were your dreams this how you live now


you owe to your self and your son for the best life possiable are you going to give that to him


move back home get another flat mate


you can always change your life its all up to you its your life no ones elses


if he is doing that now to you what is he going to be like when the child crys at 3am he doesnt want to come home to you now on weekends if my man did that to me i would think he isnt happy and he will leave me and then where will my future be then so look after you and your son i dont think he will
you poor dear.. your husband is more than likely using meth on a very frequent bases they say its the most addictive and people cant stop it without help it makes them really mean and they don't take care of themselves you should look up the effects of it on the internet separating from him to keep yourself and baby safe will probable be best i doubt you'll be able to get threw to him for him to get help before its to late ..meth is not like any other drug you need to know what you dealing with
well he needs to get his act together. And you 2 do NEED to talk to someone. You got married very VERY early. and with a baby on the way .....yah geeze you 2 really need to seek help. Thats ALL i can offer. just think really hard if you want your child to hear their dad call their mom a @#$%! and every nasty word possible. If you dont get help its going to get alot worse.Please dont bring a child up in something like that
wow, I would have to say, ask jerry springer.





he needs to get off the dope before the two of you can work on your relationship.
OMG....WOW....and whatever else I can say to decribe this...honey, your husband is a THUG....and nothing more. This is NOT a marriage, this is not a relationship either. You will have no life if you stay with him. He drove with a beer on his lap with you and baby in the car, threatened to bring men over to *blank* his own wife, he's out partying when he should be spending time with you.





ARE YOU INSANE???????





This man is not only in really terrible shape, he is NOT going to be a good father. He has to want to fix himself for good, before he even ATTEMPTS a marriage (even though he's in one) and being a father. Does he work?????? Or does he just party and drive around drunk???? By the way, that is reason alone to get rid of him.....why did you get in that car???? Just a matter of time before he gets caught....and back in the slammer....





Honey, rather than feeling sick over the thought of him not being in your baby's life, you should be throwing up over the fact that he COULD be. Take a good look at your story here, and ask yourself if that's any world you want a newborn baby to be in. You guys are NOT meant for each other, you got married way too soon, and he's just a creep, a thug, and a good-for-nothing. Oh, and just because your name is on his neck permanently, (or not), doesn't mean ANYTHING. Good luck and I hope you find a really good honest, hard working, caring guy to be a good father to your baby.
WOW is all I can say sorry.... I know you love him and all but just think about what kind of a life you will be bringing your son into if you don't leave or get some kind of help and soon
I can't believe that you are looking for fault in yourself in this. I think it's noble that you are trying to make it work but you're going to have to face it for what it is. If you plan to stick around then you will have to finish what his parents only started. I could never imagine doing any of those things to my wife. To even talk about her sexually is to talk of myself. To hit her is unfathomable. You married a child. You saw something in him that made him worth your time but you have a long way to go to make all of him worth your time. You need to figure out how to grow a man and you need a crash course that will take less than two months.
I respect honesty, so here is my honest opinion. You need to make a choice-either your husband or your child. If you stay with this man, you will lose your child. Either CPS will remove him from your home, or the child will hate you so deeply for raising him in this environment that he will never speak to you. This man is bad news, and you are an idiot for putting up with him. Get out now.
I'm so sorry about all! specially because you are pregnant and it's not only about yourself! I really think he is on drugs, more than only alcohol.


His behavior for leaving on friday and coming back on sunday.


and he is an alcoholic as well!





He has to stop taking drugs, than you have to go to an c.


I know everybody tells you but this is what you can do.


And you are not controlling, he gives you a reason to be like that.


and plus he doesn't treat you right at all!!!





good luck!
You want your child to be raised with this man as a father? Wouldn't your example alone be better off for this child?





This man treats you like dirt and you continue to take it. He obviously does not want to change nor is he going to unfortunately.





Your whole attitude is also twisted and totally disrespectful. ';Who wants a single mom?'; I am not a single mom, or even a mother- but I remember when I was young and stupid I lashed out at my sister and told her that (she was a single mom of 2 at the time). The right man came along, stepped up, and they're happily married now. Being a single mom doesn't mean that's it in terms of finding a quality partner.





You really need to take a good hard look at your position, where you are now, what resources you have, and what you want for your child. This life is a dangerous one for you, for your child, I am not normally supportive of divorce but in this case I think its the only way. You married way way too soon. A hard lesson learned early in life. At least you'll have a beautiful son out of it. :)
So if you don't want me to say get a divorce or leave him, what do you want me to say. Oh i think you want me to say give him time he will change. Seriously leave him, you have already been with him 9 months to long.
I think you need to separate from him to send the message now that he is failing at life. Move in with Mom/Dad Brother/Sister for a while.





When he wants to get back together it's time to ask him if he wants to become a loving man, husband, and father or go your separate ways. Make him choose, don't demand.





There is not a good prognosis for change though.





The marines or the likes would have done him a lot of good; the drug record might make it hard though to get in now.





I wouldn't stay under those conditions though. Make him pay child support...





If you have no means to care for the child on your own, I agree that adoption may be best for the child.
Thers is no good advice for you do you want me to tell you that you can change someone who has been strong on drugs and on other things? Because you can't you knew what he was before you married him you didn't even know him that long. People on drugs do go away for days do you know why because they go get high with a friend or friends and party usually. Who knows who he is hooking up with and what he could give to you.


Do you really want your kid around this guy? He sounds immature as well as flat out stupid and he cares more about himself and what he wants to do than he does you and the soon to be baby.


My mom acted like your husband and guess what happened to her she got killed in 1986!


You can't change them! The best thing you can do is get out while you still can. Even most traier trash hicks would never put up with someone like this. They even have more class than that!
That's some serious stuff! But what I have to say is if a man(your husband) will treat you and embarrass you like that, he doesn't care for you. Not saying he doesn't love you but if he cared he would want to protect you and not leave you in harms way(with no shoes, outside). He made a private, which could have been avoided, argument public and inviting random people into y'all business. Yes he really needs to work on his drug problems, because that is not something you should want your child to be raised up around
wow!!! you have been on a roller coaster ride and now you got off and your dizzy as He_ _!!!! Are you sure your in love with this guy or addicted to him? Read this post back to yourself as if someone else wrote it and think how would you answer this person! First you decide if your staying or leaving. if your leaving, go to a woman's shelter. They will help you get started with housing and food and a job etc. They are great at that. If your staying then you need to attend Al Anon for families. It will help you understand addictions. You wont want to hear this but right now you are part of his problem. you are what is called an enabler. I suspect you came from a dysfunctional home. You would benefit from some counseling one on one too. Make sure its a phd and not a Ms or bs.


Sweetie if you love this man, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Its hard...one of the hardest things youll ever do. think about your child. if you cant do it for you do it for that baby. A daddy hooked on meth is not a daddy that will help you raise a baby. Instead baby will see daddys ways and youll have a second heartbreaker in your world cause your baby will grow up to be like his daddy.


Please go to a shelter or at least call a therapist asap. take care. theres on ly one you.