It's the practical things like moving out,finances,how much hassle all this is rather than the loss of feelings..
I suppose there is a divorce .com website somewhere but this is completely new territory for me.
Neither of us have moved out yet..one of us is starting to look for a flat/house tomorrowAny advice for someone who knows that their marriage is over?
oh im very sorry first of all.second of all take things slowly .the house is urs as much as its his so dont b in a hurry to move out as u might end up with something to expensive or something u dont like.once u get this clear speak to some social worker so he could guide u more on this matter.hell tell u about the way u shoul act,benifcial rights etc etc...then get a lawyer for yourself so u know wer u stand.i hope i helped u goodluckAny advice for someone who knows that their marriage is over?
Oh Lori I鈥檓 so sorry hear that.
I can鈥檛 tell you how genuinely shocked I was when this question appeared in my inbox.
It got worse because I thought it was going to be one of those 鈥業鈥檝e got a friend who鈥檚......鈥?like a lot of the other postings around here.
Still it does show that your old (well maybe not so old!) integrity is shining through (and that is certainly NOT meant as a joke)
That is a good thing.
It looks as if you both think you both may have come to the 鈥榚nd of the line鈥?
It鈥檚 difficult for both of you I know but both of you should try not to be resentful 鈥?there were the good times.
You鈥檝e probably hurt each other enough in both of you reaching this decision point.
So if you鈥檙e still arguing about the decision 鈥?stop it NOW you both deserve a rest!
You鈥檙e both going to go through some tough times emotionally and financially try not to use these to 鈥榟it each over the head鈥?every time you come to a nasty bit.
It won鈥檛 do either of you any good at all.
Don鈥檛 ever say (and this is to both of you) 鈥業 wouldn鈥檛 be in this position if you hadn鈥檛..............鈥?
DON'T burn bridges!
You鈥檙e both going to have get on with each other for the sake of your daughter - you have mentioned her before.
DON'T even think of using your daughter as a weapon against each other i.e. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not having access to her because you said/did/did not/aren鈥檛 going............
It鈥檚 a cheap shot!
Here鈥檚 a slightly different slant on things.
The person who is most confused at the moment is your child she will not have the emotional maturity to understand what is really going on and I鈥檒l bet she鈥檚 trying to be ever so 鈥榖rave鈥?for her Mum and Dad.
She is seeing the two most important people in her life going through a pretty nasty patch of their lives at the moment and unfortunately it is something that she will remember for the rest of her life (aha 鈥?that explains the question yesterday 鈥?bit slow there wasn鈥檛 I?) and of course both of you will too.
BUT that is not an excuse for you not to separate 鈥?time is a great healer for you all (I know that a it鈥檚 a clich茅 but believe me it is so so true) and it鈥檚 better for the break-up to happen now rather than bringing her up in an 鈥榓tmosphere鈥?
DO let her school know what鈥檚 going on 鈥?I know I鈥檝e given teachers a bit of a 鈥榖ashing鈥?recently but it鈥檚 only fair on them and your daughter that they should know.
DON'T over react 鈥?people that separate have been known to get back together again 鈥?never ever say never! (I know you won鈥檛 believe that at the moment)
DON'T start splitting everything up 鈥?not yet - a 鈥榯ime-out鈥?is what you both deserve - there鈥檚 a lot of pretty 鈥榓ngry鈥?people giving you advice in here 鈥?try not to be angry with either yourself or your husband.
DON'T be vengeful.
Strive to be happy! (and that鈥檚 to both of you!)
You're quite entitled to tell this merry soul to p!ss-off what do I know!
Anyway I told you I'm tough I can take it!
Addendum.
And now something for the cynical Lori.
On a purely selfish note.
Personally, this couldn鈥檛 think of a worse time for me 鈥?I was slowly building up that 鈥榩olitical party鈥? integrity debate and about to reach quite a crescendo and the set of quite brilliant 鈥榢iller questions鈥?
But you seem quite smart to me so you probably ahead of me anyway.
Still another time!
PS Remember to take that PC !!
.........Shambling
If you own your home, then one of you will have to buy out the others interest. If you can come to an agreement without an attorney, you would be better off. They end up winning in the long run because they get your money. It is more trouble to get out of the marriage than to get in it. A lot of planning goes into ceremony, but there is no planning for a divorce. If you are still unsure, seek legal advice. Thats your best bet.
sorry to hear about your marriage ending.
I am currently going through my marriage ending. At the moment I have contacted my mortgage company to get it solely in my name, I need to complete application form stating my earnings to see if I can afford to pay it on my own. Just waiting for mortgage company to get back to me (hopefully will not knock me back).
I am waiting at least 6 months for the divorce side of things as lawyers cost a lot of money and don't have spare cash as lost 1 income and I am stopping for maternity leave soon so money will be tight also.
This is new to me also but I have been online looking and there are free local services like citizens advice, financial advisors around who may steer you for the practical things.
Good luck
Good luck - I'm half way through the process and its dammed hard.
sorry about that
I am going thru this, its hard, but its good for both.
We went to RELATE for relieving the pain of separation and it was total waste of time and money, so dont go there.
They make your pain double.
Figure out things between both of you to make this amicable and friendly.
All the best!
hi lori
only you can know if it is likely to turn nasty if yes you need a solicitor if not you can do it yourself. get the form free from a divorce court (not all courts are divorce courts). you take them to citizens advice for help to fill them in. this is to ensure that you get it right, since if you dont you will have to do and pay for it again. once you have filled them in it will cost (i think) 拢300 to petition as it's called. just means you pay the court to deal with it.
my wife (now x) divorced me recently she went to a solicitor but wished she hadn't. i didn't bother. we discussed what to do and decided what we thought was best. she had to tell her solicitor to butt out as they had their own ideas which we both knew were not workable in the long run.
i finished up with the house the car the kids and more debt. she got a pay off.
we are good friends. a lot of her stuff is still here and she has her keys so she can let herself in.
i think the kids got more stressed than we did not knowing what was going to happen but thats all settled down.
our kids are older the youngest was 17 at the time so the court was not too interested in anything about them, as we had already agreed everything. if yours are younger you will have to come up with an agreement that satisfies the court, but citizens advice should sort you out on that one and may be your best first stop.
there is a government website. you will have to google it, just look for .gov otherwise there are a lot of sites that will take your money to do what you can do for nothing. sorry i dont have a link to hand. if you want to mail me i've opened it up just for you, as i know this can be a bit of a strain. either way all the best and try not to fret too much it does take time.
ian
It is hard, I am not going to lie to you. Myself and my ex split nearly a month ago. I had given him so many one last chances that he had just ignored and one day I just looked at him and realised I no longer loved him in that way. We had a row, I told him I was sick of giving him one last chance, he had to decide whether to get a job (I have supported him for 5 years) or move out. I came home from work and he had gone! We had the arguments about who gets what etc, but we were not married and everything we had was what I had provided. In the end he realised he was pushing his luck, he took everything that was his and I said he could keep the car as I have just bought a new one. If he had kept on I would've sold the car too lol
The secret is to stay strong, it is sad and you will be upset, even tho the love has gone. It is scary starting over, but honestly you will be hapier! If you are married then most things are split 50/50, if you are not married then you take what is yours! If there are children involved, then there are the practicalities over that and their needs too. It is easier on everyone if things can be sorted without a solicitor, but if there is any chance of things getting nasty or bitter, then I would recommend using one if you can afford to.
If you are sure this is what you both want, don't back down for the sake of an easier life. Be strong and things do get better I promise.
Good luck, feel free to contact me and chat anythime
xox
My advice is to make a list.
A list of who is in which account (electricity, as etc) and start separating them off as soon as possible.
If you have joined property (which you most likely have) list them with what each of you wants/should take. Same for assets and debt. Start thinking of visitation and custody rules.
List anything you can think of.
Be prepared when you go to see the lawyer.
Start making copies of important paperwork you both will need for tax purposes. I know it sounds silly but all the work you put in with that now will help if hte divorce turns nasty. I am not saying it will but some can after a good friendly start.
One piece of advice I listened to was from my boss. He told me; 'no matter how hard it is don't leave without what is rightfully yours, but also do not take what is not yours.' Be reasonable and understand te other party is hurting as well.
Divorce is hard on all parties.
I'm assuming that you are on 'good' terms because you are still living together. If you can amicably split up money and property, the two of you should find a lawyer together and go for a consultation. They will handle the legal aspects. If there aren't children or arguments about money...it's actually quite simple. I live in Missouri, my divorce was final in 31 days and it only cost $500.
You can start to split up money now, if you already haven't. Whoever stays in your house needs to change all the utilities into their name. Remember to remove the other person from being the beneficiary of financial accounts and life insurance. Seek separate car insurance and health insurance. Remove someone's name from the mortgage/lease and from credit cards. Just a lot of common sense stuff like that. Just brainstorm, make a list, and check them off one by one.
It's not that bad. You will both be fine.
I'm still in the middle of my divorce, but I have already moved out. One thing I did, was make sure I had all the necessary packing materials before I moved. That way, when I wasn't looking at apartments, I could be packing. I also made sure there were enough supplies for my wife, although I don't know what kind of terms you're on with your spouse.
You might want to check out Rent.com. It's a great website for apartment hunting. I made a file for each one I was interested in, then on my days off, I took my stack of files with me, and looked at about 5-8 a day, and developed a system for the ones I loved and hated. This is my first apartment ever, so doing it like this really helped me.
The really cool thing about rent.com is not only do you find the places that have deals, but just for finding your place on rent.com, you get $100.00 prepaid debit card.
Another thing, once you start putting in inquiries, you'll start getting a lot of calls. When you call them back, be sure to ask if you need to make an appointment, OR CAN YOU JUST WALK IN AND ASK FOR THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING TO. Most of the time you'll find that you can just do a walk in, and just let 'em know when you'll be coming. When you're at the complex, ask plenty of questions, in fact have a list of questions about things like utilities, furnishings, size, age, rent, etc. I even took a tape measure with me.
If you're going to rent a moving van, go with Penske. They're the only company that will actually put a truck on hold for you. This comes in handy if you want to make sure you've got a truck on moving day. You never know how busy they're going to be.
My results? I got an awesome 2x2 ( 2 bd/2bth ) at 858 sq. ft. for $785.00 a month. That's less than a dollar per sq.ft. Hope this helps.
One last thing. I don't know what your schedule is like, but I planned my vacation in accordance with my move once I was approved for a lease, and they gave me a move in date. Then starting on the move in date, I began moving just the little things in my free time ( before my vacation started ) then on the first day of my vacation, all I had to do was furniture, and I had the rest of my vacation to unpack.
I know it sounds pretty anal, but forward planning really helps.
I forgot to mention that there are divorce websites. If you two are on good terms, and have already figured out who's taking what, it's an excellent option. My wife and I will be taking that route, and it'll only cost $290.00. No lawyer, no mediator, just an easy thing.
I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for what's happening to you. You're going to find that some days are harder than others. Just keep living one day at a time. You'll be fine, I promise.
One last thing, when figuring your budget, your income should be between 2 1/2 - 3 times your rent.
sorry
avoid the lawyers as much as you can - they only string things out and cost loads
sit down together and look at the finances, hopefully you can both be honest
when you've agreed a plan (double check that you both understand everything in the same way) PUT IT IN WRITING (it will probably be worth getting a lawyer to look over it to point out any loop holes on either side)
Don't do anything practical, like moving out until there is a written agreement
Good luck
good luck for the future ! i wish i had the guts to do the same thing at times ! yes money is a big factor but in the end we all just wish to be happy ! i guess their is a time when enough is enough !!
I am very sorry to hear about this.
I have no experience to fall back on in terms of divorce.
The only suggestion I can make is to have friends and family around you to discuss this with and to offer you the support you will need to help you through a tough time.
I suspect you will find out just who your real friends are.
After that I can only offer silly platitudes that I am sure would be patronising but I do hope you can find a way to keep things civil between you, even if he turns out to be the 'bad guy' in the whole equation.
Like most difficult things in life...
...the sooner you get started, the sooner it is over.
Just be nice no matter what.
