I'm sad that my marriage is probably going to end in divorce. Any advice for the end of the road?

September would mark our 7 year anniversary. He's an alcoholic who sobered up after I moved out just before Christmas last year. We have three young kids. He's been drinking again. Not at home, but out and then drives home. His family encourages his drinking, so they are little help. Of course, as an alcoholic, it's all my fault in his eyes. I sleep in the baby's room and my husband took over the master bedroom with all his belongings. It looks like a college dorm and it stinks and is a mess. We haven't been physical in any way for about a year. We don't talk unless it's completely necessary.





What's sad is that I love him, but my respect is gone. I don't trust him. I doubt he's cheating, but God only knows what he's out doing. I feel like I'm starting to just not care. He suggested counselling, but hasn't done anything about it. We lead very different lifestyles even though we live at the same house.





I admit that I have done the majority of the changing. We used to like to hang out and drink with friends. Go out occasionally. But now, I have three kids who depend on me. I don't drink and have become active at church.





I'd like to see this work, but I just can't see how at this point. Any advice to try before we separate. We haven't discussed it at all, but I have a feeling he's ready to leave. He says he feels like I don't care about him, that we're not friends anymore, and that we have nothing in common.....I agree. Any suggestions are welcome. I don't want to divorce, but I don't want to model a relationship like this to my kids either.I'm sad that my marriage is probably going to end in divorce. Any advice for the end of the road?
First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your circumstances.





A maxim I always try to follow in relationships is to make sure I have no regrets. That means exploring every option available to you, so that if things end badly, you at least know that you tried everything you could, and you don't lie awake at night wondering ';What if I'd done x...?';





You need to have a sincere, honest conversation with your husband to find out what the two of you want. This is not the time for pride, blame, or even dignity: you may have to be the bigger person and bare your soul on the table, even if he doesn't. If you love him, tell him. (Remember that love is not just a feeling...it is also a decision). If you want a future with him, tell him. Ask him if he wants the same.





If he does, that's the starting point you both need: the key to a relationship is two people agreeing to do whatever it takes to make it work. From there, you can start to (gently!) hammer out what must be done. For example, you two are at a point where counseling is mandatory, and that needs to be addressed. Other things can be dealt with on an interim basis: keep in mind, people don't repair buildings in one day, and similarly, you don't have to ';fix'; everything right away...just do some patchwork (compromise wherever possible!) to hold things until you can get it right.





Unfortunately, if your husband tells you that he doesn't see a future with you - or for whatever reason isn't willing to go through the work needed to repair things - that's an answer also. But at least you will finally be able to make some decisions without continuing to drift in a sort of limbo, and despite the pain involved in terminating a marriage, it will be exactly what you need to move forward and find happiness again.





I wish you both the very best of luck.I'm sad that my marriage is probably going to end in divorce. Any advice for the end of the road?
You've got to make it work.
From what you described it does not seem that your husband has the desire to put forth the effort for making the marriage work. He is a selfish person who refuses to adapt his lifestyle for the good of the family, for his kids, for his wife. I think you are searching for hope to turn back time, to when things were better, but you can't reverse the effect of what has developed over the last several years. For your sake and for your kids' sake, its time to move on. Your husband is toxic, rigid, and selfish. I'm sure you own some responsibility for the problems too, but you can only control yourself, you can't force him to change if he is not willing. And he needs to change in order for it to work. So in reality, it looks like he's made the decision for you both. Move on and start trying to rebuild a life with your children.
A marriage takes two people to make work. Sounds like you're the only one working for the two of you. He made the choice for you by not caring enough to work with you instead of against you. That's the way it is with people who are alcoholics or drug addicts. You can't make their choices for them, but god don't you wish you could?





If this is not the life you wanted for yourself or your children, then you know the steps you need to take. And this may be the end of your relationship, but it's the start of a whole new life. A better one hopefully for all of you. Maybe leaving him is the wake up call he needs to accept he truly has a problem. In either case, you have to live your life for yourself. Don't settle when you don't have to.
It seems he is right. It seems to me that you do not care about him, are not his friend and have nothing in common with him. I don't see where the issue is. Divorce him and let him find a woman who can be more supportive. Sometimes people who run to church are merely running from what they are supposed to be doing and burying their head in the sand.
I know you have three children that depend on you, but your husband was there first. He also helped make those children. Sorry, but you can't dedicate 100% of your time to your kids. Your husband has needs too. You both need to go out once a week, whether you are drinking or not. Start being nice to him. If you start supporting him mentally and physically, and learn to communicate without starting a fight, this marriage can work. You both have to want it to work. Send the kids off for a night, make a nice dinner, go and clean up his room together, and go from there. Occasional drinking is ok. But if he is getting addicted again its not ok. His family may encourage it, but you and your kids are who matters. Remind him of that, NICELY. Put it in a better way then I just did. Make one on one time for you and your husband without the kids every day. Maybe after their bedtime. Your kids need to learn independence anyways. You need to learn how to be a wife again, and he needs to learn how to be a husband again. You both sound depressed. If you want counseling, and he has mentioned it, DO some thing about it. You can call as well as he can.
sounds like it's time to make positive changes. You've matured up and taken on a serious role of being a mother and he's lagging behind...


Either you can both agree that the marriage is worth fixing and make concrete plans for this to take place or you just sit idle and do nothing --which is not in the best interest of your family...


You might could try one more talk, but come prepared.... have your list of the things that need fixed between you both [and exactly how there going to be fixed] so he can see your serious. tell him exactly what your going to need from him, and listen to his side too.....Give him one more oppertunity to help mend a broken home..Maybe this will work.....:)